You Are Here: Why Acceptance Is the Starting Point for Change

Written by Caroline Adelman, PhD

Picture yourself in an unfamiliar city, or perhaps just one of those sprawling outdoor malls that feels like a small city. You took a wrong turn somewhere, your phone is dead, and nothing around you looks the way you expected. Eventually, you find one of those big posted maps. Your eyes scan the streets, the landmarks, the sections of the map, until they land on the little red star that says You Are Here.

Now let’s assume for the moment that Here on that map is neither where you expected to be, nor where you intended to be. But here you are. 

I have been using this image with clients a lot lately, because it captures something that is surprisingly hard to put into words: the difference between accepting where we are and giving up on where we want to go. In my experience, that distinction is one of the most important, and most misunderstood, ideas in therapy.

What Acceptance Actually Means

Acceptance, at its core, is simply an acknowledgement of what is. On the map, it sounds something like this:

“OK. I am here. If I want to get anywhere else, I can only start from here.”

That’s it. Acceptance doesn’t require us to like where we are, to agree that we should be here, or to decide how long we plan to stay here. It only asks us to be honest about our starting point, because every route to somewhere new has to begin from where we actually stand, not from where we wish we stood.

When I introduce the concept of acceptance in sessions, I’m careful with the language I use. Many people hear the word acceptance and brace for what they think comes next: “So you’re telling me to just live with something that I hate about my life?” It’s a fair question, and often one that reflects a frustrated wish my clients have for their lives. But acceptance is neither resignation nor agreement; it is the moment we stop fighting the star on the map so we can start navigating from that place.

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of Humanistic Psychology, named this idea beautifully more than sixty years ago: “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change” (Rogers, 1961). We tend to assume that accepting something will keep us stuck in it. More often, it’s the refusal to accept that keeps us circling, ruminating about what “should have been” instead of building what will be.

What Acceptance Is Not

In our quest to understand acceptance, it can be helpful to distinguish it from some other potential responses we may have when facing reality. Back at the map, there are at least three other ways to respond to that little star.

Denial: “No, no, that can’t be right. I can’t be HERE, I am supposed to be over there!” Here we stand at the map in dismay, staring at the star and insisting it’s wrong. I’m not supposed to be here. This shouldn’t have happened. This isn’t fair. All of those feelings may be completely understandable. But no amount of arguing with the map moves the star. Denial uses up a tremendous amount of energy, and it leaves us exactly where we started, only more frustrated.

Defeat or resignation: “Well, I guess I’m stuck here.” In this version, we see the star, conclude that being here means we will always be here, and sit down on the curb defeated. Defeat can look like acceptance from the outside, because the arguing with reality has stopped. The difference is that defeat closes off the future. Acceptance says I am here right now; defeat confuses the present with the future.

Approval: “Great, this is exactly where I wanted to be!” Sometimes, in an effort to feel better, we try to convince ourselves that the place we’ve landed is actually fine, or even ideal. But acceptance does not require us to endorse our circumstances. We can fully acknowledge where we are and still wish, with our whole hearts, to get to somewhere else. In fact, that wish is often very useful information we have about where we want to go.

So acceptance is not denial, defeat, or approval. It is simply the honest acknowledgement: Yes. Right now, I am here.

Why Acceptance Matters in Therapy

Acceptance sits at the heart of several of our most effective mental health treatments, including the modern iterations of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – sometimes also called “third wave” CBTs.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), for example, is built around a central dialectic: the need to accept ourselves and our circumstances as they are, and the need to change (Linehan, 2015). DBT’s skill of radical acceptance is about fully acknowledging reality as it is, precisely so that we can respond to it effectively rather than piling self-imposed suffering on top of our existing pain.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), acceptance refers to a willingness to make space for a range of difficult thoughts, feelings, and sensations, rather than fighting them, so that our energy can go toward the things that matter most to us (Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 2012). Notice that the word commitment is also right there in the name of this treatment approach. Acceptance is only the first part of the work. 

What these approaches share is a recognition that struggling against reality is exhausting, and that the energy we spend there is energy we can’t spend moving forward. Acceptance frees up that energy, to reinvest in actions that align with our values and actually move us forward.

From Here to There

Once we’ve found the star on the map and taken an “OK, I am here” stance, something often shifts. The map stops being a source of distress and becomes a tool. Now we can ask more useful questions:

Where am I right now, honestly? Identify the starting point as plainly and kindly as you can, without the “shoulds” or judgments about what it means to be here clouding your vision. I’m exhausted. This relationship has changed. My body can’t do what it used to. I’m further behind in my career than I hoped I’d be at this point. What comes to light once you shift from focusing on what you wish were true to acknowledging what actually is true at present? 

Where do I want to go and what am I willing to endure to get there? This is where your personal values come in. It’s not about where you think you’re supposed to be, but what genuinely matters to you, what direction you’d like your life to move in, and your willingness to tolerate discomfort on behalf of your values. What actually matters most to you at this stage of your life, and what would it look like to live in better alignment with your goals and values? Are you willing to step outside of your comfort zone to get there? 

What’s the next step? Rarely is the path from here to there a single leap. More often it’s a series of small, concrete steps. What is one thing you could do this week that moves you even one step in the direction of where you would like to head next?

Often in therapy, the work isn’t about finding a whole new map. It’s about helping someone locate their star and then trace a realistic route forward from that spot.

A Question for Reflection

If you’re feeling lost right now – in a relationship, a career, a diagnosis, a season of life that doesn’t look the way you pictured, I’d invite you to pause and ask yourself gently: Where is my star right now, and how am I responding to it? Are you standing at the map arguing with it? Have you sat down on the curb in defeat? Are you trying to talk yourself into loving a place you’d rather leave? Or are you ready to say, simply and honestly, “OK. I am here. Where to next?”

It is from this honest acknowledgement of where we are right now that real change can start. When we stop spending our energy fighting our location on the map, we often find we finally have the energy to move in the direction of our values.

Caroline Adelman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the Founder and Clinical Director of Chicago Psychotherapy. To learn more about our team or to schedule a consultation, visit chicagopsychotherapy.com.

References

Gloster, A. T., Walder, N., Levin, M. E., Twohig, M. P., & Karekla, M. (2020). The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181–192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.09.009

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.