| | | | | |

Parenting in the Face of Grief

November 12, 2021 By Trang Nguyen, LPC

The Norwegian Expressionist painter Edvard Munch (1863–1944) knew grief as a child. Munch lost his mother before he started school and his older sister when he was 14, both to the tuberculosis pandemic. In his work, Munch kept returning to grief, particularly to his sister’s death. Over the course of 40 years, he created a series of eight paintings, lithographs, and etchings titled The Sick Child. The one above is his last. Through his artistic techniques – repeatedly scraping the paint with a palette knife then painting areas over again, and tracing deep vertical and horizontal lines – Munch expressed his inner turmoil and complex emotional states as the witness of his sister’s passing. Munch himself is absent from this haunting work, sidelined like many surviving children.

Looking at this work today, when our attention has shifted from tuberculosis to another global pandemic, I cannot help but think about someone else who is absent from this painting: the parents, who bear the weight of their children’s pain while managing their own. Other caregivers may face a similar challenge. The woman in the painting is thought to be Munch’s aunt, as we know Munch’s mother would have passed by this time.

We know that a grieving parent’s emotional health is both “influential and predictive” of the children’s psychological outcomes (Park et al., 2021, p. 1). Parenting through grief is difficult, in part, because of the tension between loss-oriented stressors (i.e. grief work) and restoration-oriented stressors (coping with future-oriented tasks). On any given day, parents may find themselves switching between processing the loss that already happened and planning for/coping with an uncertain future without their loved one. The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement, proposed by Stroebe and Schut, suggests that healthy adaptation depends on alternating attention and effort between these two types of tasks (1999). Parents manage these stressors not only for themselves but also for their children to help them to better understand, process, and move forward in the face of loss.

While the weight of grief is inevitable, there are concrete strategies that we know can help caregivers to navigate their own grief and support their children effectively. Below are research-based suggestions and resources for parents and caregivers who have experienced a loss in the family:

1. Normalize a wide range of emotions and responses, for yourself and your children

Remind yourself that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, there is no “normal” time limit to grieve, and your child’s grieving process, needs, and expression may be different from yours (and, if you have multiple children, different from each other’s).

Factors that affect children’s grieving and adjustment process may include the nature of the loss (anticipated vs. unanticipated); who the deceased person was and their relationship to you and your surviving children; the family dynamic and communication style prior to the loss; and the child’s innate temperament, personality, and existing coping strategies. Children may feel sad, angry at the deceased person or someone else, lonely, guilty, or envious (e.g., of a deceased sibling or of the attention they receive), or they may report having no feelings at all (Nobris & Hellström, 2005). Young children tend to also report physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomach aches.

Associated resources: Here are some examples (provided below in both English and Spanish) of different presentations of grief in children and parenting strategies to support children:

2. Tell the truth, but don’t expect yourself to know all the answers

Explain death to your children in a concrete, straightforward, and age-appropriate way. For instance, help your children understand that the person cannot come back and that they cannot see them again. This is not easy to do. Yet, sometimes the best way to protect our children is to be honest with them, support them, and trust in their ability to survive and thrive, as well as in your own ability to continue parenting them in the face of adversity.

When children are denied information or deceived, it can be harder for them to cope due to confusion and attempts to reconcile contradictions between what they are told and what they may have observed in others or overheard. Most importantly, being honest with your children establishes trust and strengthens your relationship with them, which is what they need most during this time. By being honest with your children from the start, you are communicating to your children that they can rely on you, which also helps them to be more likely to come to you for support or ask questions.

Associated Resources

3. Allow yourself to label emotions in front of your children

The way you work through your own grief has a critical impact on how your children cope and adjust, and sometimes can be more influential than the actual words you say to them. For instance, if you can be reflective about your own emotional state and verbalize it to your children when they ask, this signals to your children that talking about difficult feelings is allowed.

As much as you want to support your children, they may also have the same wish towards you. Depending on their age, they may largely understand that you lost someone too. Remember to express gratitude towards your children when they express wanting to help in the house and accept their help when appropriate, while maintaining your role as the parent(s) and primary care provider(s) in the family system. When you feel overwhelmed, try implementing coping strategies before speaking or engaging with your children. These strategies include things you can do in the moment (taking deep breaths, stepping away for a few minutes) and others that take more planning (seeking respite care for the children, seeking professional support, etc.). Thinking about what you can do to strengthen your own coping and support system is not a selfish act, but an investment in both yourself and your children’s well-being.

4. Practice self-compassion

Remember that you don’t have to always say the right thing.

We know that children do not need perfect parents to thrive – they need parents who are “present, honest, and available” (Brimley, 2019). Some parents worry that if they don’t do the “right thing,” they may ruin their surviving children’s life. Even though this fear is rooted in love, it may prevent you from being present with your children’s big feelings and prevent you from finding compassion for yourself. Self-compassion requires treating yourself the way that a true friend might treat you under the circumstances. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you are probably doing the best you can under the circumstances.

5. Look towards the future and find meaning together

The passing of a family member can bring about many practical changes in a family’s routines. Children may worry about not knowing who will take them to certain activities (football practice, a trip to visit grandparents, etc.) or how the seating at a table will look. Engaging in these routines can remind children of the deceased family member. Hence, it’s important to normalize their reactions and include them in the process of reconfiguring family routines such as chores, rewards, etc., as well as working through more relational issues (e.g., what is my place in the family now that my sibling/mom/dad is gone?).

Finally, making space for laughter, joy, and non-grief moments is crucial to help the family cope with the intensity of grief and find meaning in the face of that very grieving process. Sometimes individuals feel that expressing joy will minimize the significance of their grief or somehow call into question the magnitude of their loss. However, learning to hold grief and joy side by side (e.g., “I will miss this person every day for the rest of my life AND I am still alive and worthy of joy”) is critical to coping and rebuilding life after a major loss.

While the experience of grief is highly individual, adaptive adjustments are more likely to occur when one can grieve collectively: a child’s grief can be held within the family system, a family’s grief can be held within communities, and the circle of support keeps getting larger and larger. I’d like to think that the many people viewing and being moved by Munch’s paintings today still hold Munch’s experience and pain together. And vice versa: these paintings are helping others to reflect on and process their own grief well beyond Munch’s own death.

Additional Resources

References

  • Brimley, M. (n.d.). Children process grief differently than adults. Here’s what parents need to know. Washington Post. Retrieved September 11, 2021, from https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/11/01/children-process-grief-differently-than-adults-heres-what-parents-need-know/
  • Nobris, M., & Hellström, A. L. (2005). Siblings’ needs and issues when a brother or sister dies of cancer. Journal of Pediatric Oncology Nursing, 22(4): 227–33.
  • Park, E. M., Deal, A. M., Yopp, J. M., Chien, S. A., McCabe, S., Hirsch, A., Bowers, S. M., Edwards, T., & Rosenstein, D. L. (2021). Parenting through grief: A cross-sectional study of recently bereaved adults with minor children. Palliative Medicine, 1-10, 02692163211040982.
  • Schut, M., & Stroebe, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224. https://doi.org/10.1080/074811899201046

If you or a loved one need therapeutic support with grief processing or parenting in the face of grief, feel free to contact us. We are here to help.

Similar Posts