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Helping Children Process Fear and Confusion: Caregiver Tips for Talking with Children about ICE Presence in Our Communities

Written by Hannah Bowen, LCSW, Caroline Adelman, PhD & Maryam Zlitni, LPC

We are writing this article as trauma-informed mental health providers, primarily serving clients in and around Chicago. Our city, like many others, is home to dozens of beautifully diverse neighborhoods – each full of rich history, families, and vibrant communities. In recent months, however, Chicago has also become the focus of intensified federal immigration enforcement and increasingly alarming public statements. Reports of thousands of detainments in the past two months – including detainments of U.S. citizens and legally authorized residents – alongside accounts of violence and tear gas used against peaceful protesters and community members, have contributed to widespread fear, confusion, and grief. In our work, we are witnessing the profound impact of this collective trauma on our systems (government, education, workplace, public services, etc.) and on the individuals and families who live within them.

Children, too, are watching and absorbing the current moment. Whether through exposure to the news, social media, overheard conversations, presence of ICE agents at their schools/daycare centers, or the stress of the adults around them, our children absorb and are shaped by far more than we might realize. For caregivers and educators already managing their own emotional responses, it can be hard to know what to say or how to help children process these events in ways that foster both trust and a sense of security.

Below, we offer guidance for caregivers and educators in Chicago, and in cities across the country impacted by the federal immigration crackdown, to help children process current events in developmentally-appropriate, trauma-informed, and compassionate ways.

Part 1: Guidance for Parents and Caregivers

1. Be Honest in Age-Appropriate Ways

Honesty contributes to a child’s sense of safety and trust with caregivers. When adults avoid difficult topics, children often fill in the blanks with their imaginations while sensing increased stress, which can heighten anxiety. Being truthful with children doesn’t mean providing every detail; it means giving information in ways that fit with a child’s developmental level. It is often assumed that, when having difficult conversations about the world with children, there is a trade-off between benevolence and honesty (e.g., Levine, Roberts & Cohen, 2020). While this feels true in many cases, there are actionable and developmentally appropriate ways to disclose honest information with children. Below are some examples. 

  • Young children: Use simple, concrete language. “Some people who work for the government are visiting people’s homes or workplaces without being invited. It can feel scary sometimes, but our job is to keep each other safe. We live in an amazing community where many friends and neighbors are working together to keep each other safe.”
  • School-age children: Acknowledge both facts and feelings. “There are people being stopped or questioned unfairly, often based on the color of their skin or the job they hold. That’s not okay and a lot of people are understandably upset about what is happening. We can talk about how to help and what to do if it happens near us. What questions do you have about this?”
  • Teens: Invite discussion. Ask what they’ve seen online or heard from friends. Explore together what’s true, what’s rumor, and what values your family holds. Ask if they have thoughts about how their school or other circles may be responding to what is happening, and how they would like to be involved.

2. Get Curious

Start by learning what your child already knows or worries about. Children’s understanding often comes through play, art, or snippets of conversation.

  • Young children: Notice cues in play and emotion expression. Are they acting out fearful scenes in play? Drawing people hiding or crying? These can be windows into their inner world. Stay mindful about the common impacts of increased stress on sleep and eating patterns, at any age, but especially with young children.
  • School-agers: Ask open questions: “What did you see or hear?” “What do you think that means?” “Are your friends bringing anything up at recess?”
  • Teens and social media: Ask which posts or videos stood out to them. Talk about how they are feeling in response to what they are seeing or hearing. Model critical thinking: “Who posted that? How can you tell what is credible or not when you see things posted online?”

3. Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

When children express fear, sadness, anger, irritability, or confusion, respond with empathy before reassurance. Validation of emotions communicates that your children’s emotions are acceptable and valid, which is foundational for building emotional intelligence and resilience.

  • Young children: “You look a little worried. I can tell you might be worried because ___ (describe their body language and behavior here). Are you feeling worried about something?…  It’s okay to feel that way. We can talk about what helps you to feel safe.”
  • School-age: “It makes sense that you feel scared when you hear about people being taken away from their families, homes, and schools. That’s really understandable, and I think a lot of people are feeling that way right now too. Grown-ups are working hard to keep families safe, and there are ways that kids can safely get involved with supporting our communities as well.”
  • Teens: “You’re right – this feels unjust. Anger and stress are very understandable under these circumstances. I appreciate how much you care about our community, and about fairness and safety.”

4. Brainstorm Coping and Connection

When children or teens are feeling emotionally dysregulated by events in the world around them, they often turn to trusted caregivers or teachers in their lives to help them restore a sense of calm and safety. They may also seek information about who/what is to blame for what is happening, and become focused on elements of the situation outside of their control. Caregiving adults can help children and teens by validating their emotions, helping them to refocus on what is within their control, and collaborating on ways to restore agency and predictability. Below are some examples of how to do so:

  • Young children: Emphasize routines, familiar caregivers, and predictable schedules. Draw attention to the helpers in the community. Provide high-quality attention and extra quality time with loved ones.
  • School-age: Encourage small acts of agency, such as writing a card to a worried friend, helping pack a “safety kit,” practicing a family plan together, or participating in family-friendly, community-based initiatives (food drives, etc.).
  • Teens: Channel emotions into constructive action, such as community service, advocacy, or art. Supporting others can buffer stress and build resilience. Connection and meaning-making are protective factors in the face of traumatic stress exposure.

Families at higher risk of being targeted by federal immigration enforcement officers can also create a “safety map” together that includes information about who to call, where to go, and how to ask for help if ICE agents are spotted nearby. This strategy turns fear into preparation, a key trauma-informed strategy. The Chicago Public School system has a Safe Passage program and has announced (and cited online) that they are committed to protecting students and families through these supervised walking routes leading into school. 

5. Keep the Conversation Going

Remember that these conversations are not one-time talks, but ongoing processing of a situation that continues to unfold and have a daily impact on the lives of millions of people living in Chicago and around our nation. The gravity of the situation can create pressure on caregivers to have the “perfect” response or language; please remember that the quality of your presence, and your willingness to help your child make sense of what they are experiencing, matters more to your child’s sense of safety than finding just the right words to say at any given moment. There may be many chances to make sense of and talk about this together. Ongoing check-ins communicate ongoing attunement to our children’s experiences, which in turn fosters safety and trust. Encourage children to return with new questions as they arise. For parents, staying connected with other caregivers and your child’s school can also help to ensure consistent messaging and shared resources. 

Closing Reflection

Children draw their sense of safety and belonging from the adults around them. They also typically tune into how their caregivers are feeling. This is a loving reminder to tap into what helps you take care of yourself in this moment. During times of heightened stress, caregivers often pour from their own emotional cup in order to take care of their children. It’s more important now than ever to develop strong “emotional hygiene” (i.e., daily self-care) habits for caregivers that pour back into their cups. This could be something as small as waking up ten minutes earlier to plan the day’s schedule, or taking a few seconds to engage in coping skills that systematically decrease caregiver anxiety. Amid frightening headlines and unpredictable events, what matters most for kids is the steady presence of caregivers who listen attentively, tell the truth with compassion, and remind young people that community care is real and that love and justice are resilient. 

Resources for Schools:

While many of the suggestions we offer here apply equally well to teacher-student conversations, we wanted to offer some specific resources for educators as well. For our school-based educators, administrators and support staff – below are Psychological First Aid resources to support you in de-briefing with your students, families, and school communities in ways that focus on providing or reinstating psychological safety.

Additional Resources

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