What do we tell the kids? Talking with children and teens about COVID-19

March 12, 2020 By Caroline Adelman

One of the greatest challenges of parenting is figuring out how to communicate effectively with our children when we are feeling lost, scared, or uncertain ourselves. This challenge can arise in response to a range of life events, including parental illness, loss, divorce, natural disasters, trauma, and other life circumstances that come with strong emotions and uncertainty about the future.

As the COVID-19 global pandemic is now having meaningful impacts on our lives and daily routines, many parents are finding ourselves back in the position of asking, “what do we say to the kids about this?” While there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, I would like to offer some “best practice” guidelines for parents looking to navigate difficult conversations with their kids:

1. Tell the truth, but try to do so in ways that are both relevant for children (i.e., the truth about how this is likely to impact their lives) and developmentally appropriate (i.e., understandable for their age, and not overly detailed). Start the conversation by asking children what they have already heard about the situation, and correct any misconceptions they may have. Be sure to share facts, rather than your fears.
2. Validate the confusion and anxiety children may be feeling, and talk with them about ways they can care for themselves in light of these heightened feelings. If you are feeling anxious yourself, be cognizant of modeling effective coping strategies. Effective coping strategies may include seeking support, getting exercise, taking a break from electronics, and practicing gratitude. Share with your children how using these strategies helps you to stay balanced.
3. Talk about, and focus your energy on, the elements of the situation that are actually within your control. For the COVID-19 outbreak, behaviors such as hand-washing, staying home when sick, avoiding others who are sick, practicing social distancing (whenever possible), and reducing travel to high-risk areas all meaningfully reduce actual risk. Behaviors such as checking the news 20 times/day or asking repeatedly whether spring break will be canceled, on the other hand, only serve to fuel anxiety.
4. Monitor where your children are getting their information. Encourage children to stick to credible and age-appropriate information sources and try to reduce excessive exposure to news, social media and other outlets that may contribute to heightened anxiety.
5. Help children to distinguish between behaviors aimed at managing risk and behaviors driven by anxiety that do not actually reduce risk in meaningful ways. For example, if your child wants to understand proper hand-washing technique, allow them to watch a video (once) from a credible source that provides information about proper hand-washing. If your child wants to ask you 50 times whether you think they will get sick, validate their anxious feelings and gently remind them that your reassurance will not keep them any safer, and that you will only be answering each question once. Continuing to answer the same question repeatedly functions as a reassurance-seeking routine, a cycle known to perpetuate anxiety.
6. Help children to distinguish worthwhile risks from non-worthwhile risks and to accept that some degree of uncertainly is inevitable in life. The fact is, everything we do from the moment we wake up each day involves some level of risk. We don’t want to be so afraid of dying that we stop living. On the other hand, some risks are not worthwhile. Determining worthwhile risks depends on a combination of personal risk level (age, health status, etc.), personal values (i.e., what matters enough to us that it is worth taking greater risks to do?), cost-benefit of the health risk avoidance (including, unfortunately, income considerations for many of us), and personal risk tolerance. Think through these factors for yourself, and model thoughtful decisions about the resulting lifestyle changes you decide to make. Doing so will provide your children with a valuable roadmap for navigating uncertainty throughout their lives.
7. Once you figure out what your (hopefully temporary) “new normal” will look like, share information with your children about what to expect and try to establish new routines. The younger your children are, the more concrete this information should be. I often recommend a large family calendar that provides information about what children can expect in the near future. The calendar can include information such as where they will be staying, who will be caring for them, and whether they will have school. For children who are too young to read words on a calendar, picture stickers are a great way to convey this same information on a family calendar.
8. Within reasonable limits, try to maintain parts of children’s routines that allow them to process their emotions productively. If your children are in therapy, for example, do your best to maintain continuity of care during this time. If family illness or self-quarantine disrupt access to care, ask whether telehealth is available as an alternative. Along these same lines, brainstorm ways for your children to still get regular exercise and access to creative outlets during school closures. Soccer season may be canceled, but family dance parties, jumping jack challenges, or relay races can happen year-round!
9. And finally, be gentle with yourself. Accept that struggling with this situation is only natural, but do what you can not to struggle alone. Parenting can be challenging on the best of days. Parenting in the face of anxiety, uncertainty, and disruption to so many of life’s routines is downright exhausting for many of us. Now is a great time to make sure you are caring for yourself in ways that sustain and recharge you. If you have a hard time doing this for yourself, do it for your kids.