Raising Resilient Children and Teens
January 25, 2020 By Caroline Aldelman PhD
I recently learned of a term, originally coined by the US Army and more recently popularized in the business world, that is often used to describe characteristics of the world in which today’s youth are growing up: VUCA. It stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity. In this VUCA world, it is understandable that many parents feel driven to protect their children, not only from life’s age-old hardships, but from the harshness and uncertainty of this new reality itself. It is also not entirely surprising to learn that rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidality among youth have been on the rise over the past decade.
In response to the recent upward trends in rates of mental health struggles among our youth, there is more interest than ever before in how to raise resilient children. Parents, schools and mental health professionals alike are all increasingly aware that the realities of today’s world require youth to learn to adapt in the face of uncertainty, and to “bounce back” in the face of adversity. Concepts such a grit, adaptability, resilience, and growth mindset have been widely popularized in recent years, and rightly so.
The field of Positive Psychology, dedicated to exploring the experiences, traits and systems that enable people to thrive, is beginning to offer us evidence-based answers to the questions many parents and schools are now asking: What exactly is resilience? How is resilience developed? Can resilience be taught? What can caregivers do to foster resilience and adaptability among our children? How can we develop and model resilience as adults? Below is a summary of the answers to these questions, based on the current state of the research in this area.
What is resilience?
Resilience is the ability to “bounce back” or recover in the face of stress/adversity. As described by resilience expert Dr. Ken Ginsburg, resilience is the emotional equivalent of buoyancy – i.e., the ability to rise back up when pushed under water.
The study of resilience is part of the Positive Psychology movement, and focuses on “what went right” for children who thrive in the face of stress, rather than “what went wrong” for those who do not. By examining the traits, behaviors, and contextual factors that predict effective coping over time, research in this area helps us to understand what we can do to proactively foster resilience among our children and teens.
What does the research say about the development of resilience in children and adolescents?
Resilience research finds a U-shaped relationship between experiences of stress/adversity during childhood and long-term well-being. Adversity takes many forms, from relatively minor life stressors (e.g., a bad grade on a quiz) to more acute stressful events (e.g., a hurricane) and chronic forms of traumatic stress exposure (e.g., living in a violent neighborhood). Both too much adversity and a lack of adversity during childhood/adolescence are associated with a higher risk of negative mental health outcomes than exposure to a moderate level of adversity.
The most resilient individuals, on average, are those who have experienced moderate levels of adversity, with periods of recovery and support between adverse experiences. This finding is often explained by the concept of “stress inoculation” – essentially, the idea that exposure to stressors in the right “dose” builds an emotional defense system that allows us to better combat the negative impact of future stressors. It seems that the experience of building skills for coping with adversity is critical to one’s perception of being able to respond effectively to future stressors.
We have also learned that experiences of adversity are most likely to be valuable if they are manageable (i.e., if the experience is met with skills for finding a solution and/or managing negative affect), and result in increased mastery of coping skills, decreased catastrophic thinking, and opportunities for establishing effective support networks.
Because resilience does not develop evenly across all areas, individuals probably need to experience setbacks in multiple domains (e.g., social, academic, family life, etc.) in order to develop skills for coping with various types of setbacks. The ways in which individuals cope with setbacks also impacts their resilience over time. The most resilient individuals tend to focus on coping and solutions, rather than adopting a passive, helpless, or victimized response to stressors.
How is resilience developed? What can parents and caregivers do to increase resilience in children?
While early temperament and other genetically influenced factors certainly play a role in one’s natural responses to negative events, research shows that resilience can be taught, even when it does not “come naturally” to an individual. The most resilient youth are those who develop strong problem-solving skills, social competence, a sense of self-efficacy/mastery, and a sense of purpose. As with other skills across development, the social-emotional skills that make up resilience are honed through practice.
There are a number of ways in which parents and other caregivers can help to foster the characteristics that build resilience in children and teens. Below is a “top 10” list, based on research and expert recommendations from the resilience literature:
- Differentiate levels of threat. Help children to differentiate between different levels of threat and respond appropriately (e.g., a test for school and a tiger chasing you are not the same level of threat, though our internal “alarm systems” may respond identically to both).
- Model effective coping strategies. Demonstrate strategies such as getting social support, exercising, self-care, positive self-talk, taking a deep breath, etc. when stressed.
- Avoid modeling unhealthy coping. Try to avoid reactive, catastrophizing, or harmful strategies (e.g., drinking to reduce tension, lashing out at others, or taking a victim stance).
- Validate emotions and express confidence. When your children are upset, validate their emotions, and express confidence in their ability to cope with stress. If your child lacks skills for managing stress, consider whether short-term, skills-based counseling may help them build a coping toolkit.
- Engage in active, supportive listening. This practice is far more important for children’s development than giving the right advice.
- Allow opportunities for developmentally appropriate challenges. While you do not usually have to actively seek out challenging situations, you also do not need to shelter children from all forms of adversity. Sports, academic challenges, and age-appropriate social dynamics are great ways to learn about coping with relatively benign “failures” and setbacks.
- Provide unconditional love and support. Clearly distinguish between your feelings for your children and your feelings about their negative behaviors.
- Set clear and high expectations about conduct. Focus on how children conduct themselves as human beings, rather than specific academic or other outcomes.
- Let children make mistakes and solve problems. Allow them to work out manageable social or academic stressors with minimal adult intervention, within developmentally appropriate bounds. This is critical for building skills for larger challenges as they grow.
- Schedule “special time” with your child. Dedicate regular time to building and maintaining your parent-child emotional bond. Let them take the lead and have fun together. This reinforces that you are always there for support during especially difficult circumstances.
Special thanks to Claudia Daggett for introducing me to the term VUCA, and to Kelly Dunn and Howell Browne for their feedback on earlier drafts of this article.
