Flattening the Curve of the Emotional Roller Coaster

April 9, 2020 By Dr. Caroline Adelman, PhD

Over the past few weeks, I have witnessed the entire spectrum of human emotions many times over, both in my professional role and in dozens of conversations with friends and family members. On any given day, I bear witness to others’ tears, frustration, acceptance, denial, hopefulness, hopelessness, anxiety, grief, vulnerability, grace, trauma, and stress, to name a few. Some days, it is a lot to hold. Other days, the resilience and humanity I witness take my breath away.

Even as a clinical psychologist who spends much of my time pondering ways to promote mental health, I don’t pretend to have this “balance” thing figured out under the current circumstances. In fact, I think that accepting that none of us has all the answers right now is probably critical to practicing self-compassion. This situation is hard for just about everyone. It is especially challenging for those among us who are essential workers, frontline medical personnel, medically or financially vulnerable, and/or living in unsafe homes. For those who do not fit into one of these categories, there is often a level of self-consciousness or guilt about struggling at the moment, but even the luckiest among us have experienced significant disruptions to the routines, social contacts, and roles that serve to define and regulate our lives. Many of us are grieving the loss of things we never imagined needing to miss: hugs, time with friends, date nights, schools, religious communities, walks through the park, holidays spent with friends and family members, the roar of a crowd, watching and playing sports, live music. Even those who are safe at home and experiencing the relative privileges of good health and financial stability are still missing much of what they woke up looking forward to in their daily lives. As I said, this is hard. For everyone.

One of the more challenging aspects of large-scale collective grief is that we all need some level of support, but may find ourselves in different stages of grief than those around us at any given time. This mismatch is inevitable because grief is non-linear and highly personalized, and refuses to follow a prescribed timeline. The process of grieving the many losses we are all experiencing – of normalcy, stability, and in some cases life itself – is a roller coaster, not a timeline. Sometimes you are up, or at least coasting, and the person next to you (or across the screen from you) is down. An hour, day, or week later, you may have switched places. This dynamic can at times make it challenging to lean on your loved ones for support, and may leave you sitting alone with your thoughts more often that you would like. Even if you are getting strong support from loved ones, the advice that you find helpful today may infuriate or exhaust you tomorrow. That’s perfectly normal under the circumstances. On the emotional roller coaster of grief, the view looks different at different points in the ride.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I have been trained to think about the feedback loops that exist between our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. In times of heightened uncertainty, our thoughts often take the form of questions, and the quality of our questions may have meaningful implications for both our emotions and our behaviors. The simple practice of asking (oneself or others) constructive questions is a tried and true strategy for directing our thoughts towards the things that will improve our mood and help us to engage in constructive behaviors over time. By contrast, certain questions have a habit of leading down paths that most of us do not wish to travel. For example, questions beginning with “what if” often lead to anxious speculation about feared scenarios. Questions that lead us to focus on controllable elements of the situation– gratitude, our values, and acts of humanity, for example–often serve to focus our minds and calm our nerves. Below are a few such questions that I find particularly useful in my own coping response:

1. What is still within my control, and how do I focus my energy there?
2. What do I feel most grateful for today and how will I express my gratitude?
3. What personal values can I lean on to guide my own responses to this situation?
4. How can I continue to show up with grace and empathy for the people who need it most right now, while caring adequately for myself and my family?

When I am able to slow down and reflect on the answers to these questions, I gain a level of clarity and calm that is otherwise very elusive at the moment.

What sorts of questions do you find yourself sitting with right now? What daily questions or reflections might help to ground you in this time of so much uncertainty? We are all shouldering a lot right now. How will you show yourself some extra compassion and grace today? Whatever your answers may be, may they lead to accepting yourself exactly as you are in this moment, and to doing today whatever best sustains you and those you love.